阿富汗的故事

已更新:10月 8

作者:John Kinyon

翻译:Julia


【Julia 的话:本文作者 John Kinyon 是CNVC认证培训师和评估师。本文得到 John 的授权翻译发表在心空间网站上,在此诚挚感恩文章作者对非暴力沟通学习者社区的贡献和帮助。更多 John Kinyon 老师的博客文章与课程,请访问他的网站 https://johnkinyon.com/


大约二十年前我和我的同事Ike Lasater去了巴基斯坦,在巴阿边境的难民营中见到几位阿富汗的部落老人。那是2002年的一月份,正值美国发生911恐怖袭击,以及美国入侵并以炸弹轰炸阿富汗不久之后。对于当时的美国人而言,去世界的那个部分是一件极端危险的事,但我们还是不顾美国国务院的强烈警告去了那里。而我们去那里的原因,我却是去了之后才明白的。 不顾所有的常识去那里的这个决定,后来回想起来是改变我生命的体验之一。这个故事成为我后来所做的工作的源头 - 从那以后我开始把基于同理心的沟通方式带进冲突的场景和对话中。Ike与我的这个历险故事我已经对他人讲过无数次了。但是,鉴于最近美国从阿富汗撤军以及后续的混乱发生,我意识到我现在想要讲述一个不同版本的故事。


我经常讲述的故事版本是两个幼稚的美国人去了一个难民营,最终用非暴力沟通的技巧以一种感人的方式调解了阿富汗老人们之间的冲突。而这个故事中我以前没有讲过的一部分,现在想来是更重要的一个方面。


那时,三十多位来自不同部落的、留着长须穿着长袍的老人从Shamshatoo难民营的不同区域赶来,和我们一起度过三天时间。

在翻译阿巴德的帮助下,我们一开始试图让大家明白,我们来这里是想要给他们提供非暴力沟通的培训。对他们而言这根本讲不通。他们真正想要告诉我们的,是他们眼见来自外国的令人绝望的参与,内心深沉的愤怒和痛苦。在他们眼里我们代表着美国,而他们想要被看见和听见。于是,我们用了整整两天,去倾听他们和把我们所听到的反馈(reflect)给他们,尤其是他们的感受和需要,即:他们对于同理心、关爱、尊重、信任、正直、诚实、价值感和被看见的需要,以及很多其他未被满足的需要。

在不同的语言和方言中翻译这些对话有极大的挑战,但我们仍能感觉到基于同理心的沟通和连接在我们和他们之间发生。他们的音量和肢体语言中显示出的急迫性和强烈度渐渐缓解,就像蕴藏着巨大能量的海洋遇到海岸,然后被海岸接收。他们的眼神和脸色变得柔和。有时眼泪从他们的眼睛里奔涌而出,接下来是一阵静默。然后又有另一阵痛苦如潮水般涌来,强烈地要求表达和被倾听。当我们听到这些痛苦,我们也感动到落泪,我们的心也因此打开。当他们把想说的话完全说出来之后,我们问他们是否愿意听听我们的想法。他们说好的,于是我们表达:我们在倾听他们的经历后,以及想到我们的政府在他们的痛苦经历中所扮演的角色后,我们感受到巨大的悲哀。


看到最近正在阿富汗所发生的事,并且以一种新的眼光去看在最近几十年中发生的事,这个故事里简单又深刻的部分对我而言才是最息息相关的。我们去那里,本来是想要分享一件我们觉得对自己的人生特别有价值的东西,却发现,我们自己必须首先学着去实践出来只有当我们之间首先有足够的人性的连接,对方才可能有信任去接受我们所给予的东西。最后我们在一起学习使用同理沟通,他们允许我们帮他们调停他们之间的冲突。

我从这件事里所学到的一课是,我们大家不要陷在自己的头脑所相信和判断的是非对错、应该与否之中。我学到的是要继续觉察和关注我们的身体感受和情感体验,并深深地连接我们作为人类所共通的需要。我们能否能在同理倾听中,超越彼此的差异和不同观点,向对方靠近,直到我们互相触及彼此内心的最深处,并在那里连接?


这就是那些阿富汗老人教给我们的。只有当这些发生,我们才能一起前行。

Our Afghan Story Revisited


By: John Kinyon


(From Julia:

I was touched and inspired by this story. With John's permission, I'm translating and posting the article on this website. I'm feeling very grateful for John's contribution to the NVC-learning community. For more of John's work, please visit his website https://johnkinyon.com/ )


Close to 20 years ago I went to Pakistan with my close colleague Ike Lasater to work with Afghan tribal elders in a refugee camp along the border. It was January 2002, soon after the 9/11 terrorist attacks in the U.S. and our bombings and invasion of Afghanistan. It was a particularly dangerous time for Americans to go to that part of the world, yet for reasons I can only understand in hindsight we went despite the very strong warnings being put out by the U.S. State Department.


This decision to go despite all common sense to the contrary turned out to be one of those life altering experiences. It became my origin story of the work I’ve done ever since, of bringing empathic communication into conflict situations and conversations. I have told this story of Ike and my adventure together countless times. However, in light of recent events around the U.S. withdrawal of military forces in Afghanistan and the ensuing chaos, I realize I want to tell a different version of the story.


The story as I have always told it was about two naive Americans going into a refugee camp and ending up mediating a conflict situation between Afghan elders in a moving way using skills of Nonviolent Communication (NVC). A part of the story that I haven’t always included is now what I think is the more important aspect. In long flowing beards and robes, thirty or so elders from different tribes and from different parts of the Shamshatoo camp region came to meet with us over a three day period.


With the help of our translator Abad we at first tried to get across the idea that we were there to offer training in Nonviolent Communication skills. This made no sense to them. What they did want to talk with us about was their deep anger and pain in relation to foreign countries’ devastating involvement in their country. In their eyes we represented the United States and they wanted to be seen and heard. So, that’s what we did for two full days, listened and reflected back to them what we heard, especially their feelings and their needs for empathy, care, respect, trust, integrity, honesty, to matter and be seen, and many more tragically unmet needs.


Through steep challenges translating a multitude of different languages and dialects being spoken, we could tell when empathic communication and connection was happening between us and them. The urgency and intensity of their voices and body language would subside, like the enormous energy of an ocean wave being received by the shore. Their eyes and faces would soften. At times tears would well up in their eyes, followed by periods of stillness and quiet. And then another wave of pain would well up, demanding to be expressed, and heard. Hearing this pain we too were moved to tears, our hearts broken open. When they were done telling us what they wanted us to hear, we asked if they wanted to hear from us. They said yes, and we expressed our great sorrow hearing all they had been through and our government’s role in their tremendous suffering.


Witnessing what is now happening in Afghanistan and seeing with new eyes what has been going on there for many decades, it is this simple yet profound part of our story that seems to me most relevant. We went there to share skills we had found so valuable in our lives, but it was we who had learning to do first, and it was only after there was enough human connection between us that there was the trust to receive what we had to offer, which turned out to be allowing us to mediate a conflict between them that arose in the group while we were together using empathic communication.


The lesson I see to apply to what is happening now is for us all to not remain in our heads in what we believe and how we judge right and wro